I AM JUST DONE!
Every single month. Every single day. Trying to stay hopeful for something that is continually denied me and given to women who neither want, nor need babies.
Yesterday morning when I went to pee, there was the slightest bit of light pink spotting. Considering that I was 10 DPO, there was a very good chance that this was implantation bleeding!! I put on a pantyliner so that I’d be able to keep a close eye on it, but all throughout the day it never increased. It turned to a light pinky-brown color, but the amount never picked up. By about dinner time, I was almost convinced that this was a precious little embryo snuggling down deep into Mommy’s baby hotel!
And then before I turned in for the night, I went to the bathroom like I always do. And there it was. Bright burgundy red blood, all over the pad. I was just crushed. And when I wiped … there was more and more.
That’s it. I’m done. I’m done trying. $1,100 for an IUI, taking all the progesterone supplements just like I am supposed to, and for what? So I could start my freakin’ period FIVE days early?! No. That’s it. Sooner or later I was going to have to come to terms with it for real; might as well be now.
And what’s worse, is that the infertility treatments that are supposed to be fixing me, are only breaking me worse!! When my RE messaged me back, he said that (although rare) occasionally, the Follistim not only speed up the follicular phase of the menstrual cycle, but it must’ve sped up the luteal phase as well.
Well that’s just perfect, isn’t it? It’s common knowledge that in order for a pregnancy to be achieved, there has to be sufficient time for a fertilized embryo to make it’s way down the fallopian tubes and implant into the lining of the uterus. Once this happens, the placenta that begins connecting baby to Mommy, starts pumping out hCG (the hormone that pregnancy tests check for), which tells the brain not to lower the hormone levels and trigger the uterine lining to shed in the form of AF. The problem lies in that considering my LP had only been 9 freakin’ days long (triggering bleeding to commence on 10 DPO), any embryos that may have been fertilized wouldn’t have sufficient time to implant before my brain was already telling the uterus to shed it’s lining.
My REs advice was to discontinue all injectables for future cycles, and to go back to using oral meds to stimulate follicle growth. He suggested we try both Clomid and Femara on CD 5-9, coming in on CD 17 for an u/s. So they called in the meds to my pharmacy and I was supposed to pick them up on my way home from Illinois.
I can’t. I just can’t do this again. We don’t have the money for another IUI; this was our Hail Mary play and it had failed. My body had failed.
I sent a message to my REs office while we were relaxing at the hotel that night in Arkansas. I told him that while I appreciated all the work and effort he and his nurses have put into helping me achieve another pregnancy, I would have to decline the offer to go back on oral meds. I felt like I was going backwards! I informed them that I would be placing TTC on an indefinite hold; I only had another 2 months with my husband before he deploys again for another 9 months, and I refuse to spend that time stressing over TTC.
I swear, I literally felt the weight of this whole mess lift. It felt as though Atlas had just taken back the weight of the world from my shoulders! I had finally come to a decision. And while it’s not the one I would’ve chosen, I immediately knew that it was the right decision for me. I didn’t want to tell the RE that I was done forever (although that’s what I knew in my heart), just to allow me the opportunity to change my mind when Matt came home if I so chose to do so.
I know that this wasn’t the end that anyone had envisioned. Certainly not me. But I have to be willing to consider the possibility that it may not be God’s will for me to have another baby. And while that’s a hard pill to swallow, I think it’s time to just trust that He knows best.