The urge to POAS has officially started as of today. I know that there’s no possible way that I would get a BFP this early, even though I have a relatively positive outlook about things this cycle, so I was able to hold back the impending tide … for now.
Like any good long term TTC-er, I spent the day trying to keep my mind occupied and my hands busy, in attempt to move the urge to pee on my money out of the forefront of my mind. And ya know what? It worked!! If I can only keep this up for another 6 days, I’ll be golden …
Since Bubby has “school” from 9:00-11:00 on M,W,F our day started off pretty early today. I woke up at 6:30 am, after a dream about me, my husband, and The Flash – we’ve been binge watching it on Netflix – died saving the world by jump-starting the earth’s core with nukes.
I absolutely love my weird ass, vivid dreams of the TWW! Even though I woke up way earlier than I needed to in order to get John to school on time, it was nice to be awake and all by myself in the living room this morning. It’s not that I don’t love watching my son play; he’s the reason I breathe! It’s just that having a 2 year old – especially an autistic 2 year old – creates an environment in which you are almost never alone. In the last week, I have showered, pooped, and peed with an audience. But I wouldn’t change a thing, even if I could! I love my life too much!!
Also, as a mother of said autistic 2 year old little boy, it’s very easy to become so wrapped up in the goings on of your everyday chores and responsibilities that you can easily forget the fact that before you were a mother – you were a woman. An individual. You were your own person. It’s easy to forget that before you spent every waking moment taking care of your little minion – you spent most of every waking moment taking care of someone equally important. YOU. I rarely wear new clothing. When I do purchase something new, it is almost assuredly our of sheer necessity, not out of a desire to add this “new” article of clothing to my already stylish wardrobe. (My wardrobe is not stylish, BTW.) Of all the clothing I wear, my jammies are replaced more frequently than anything else, simply because they are the most worn articles of clothing I own! The only reason I asked for a pedicure for my birthday from my Mother was because my heels were so terribly rough that they were sticking to the carpet and scratching my husband in bed. (Not kidding.) My hair, sadly, is in the same predicament. I had my hair highlighted a very light blonde at the end of May this year, right before Matt came home from Korea; I wanted to look my best for him! That was the last time I had anything done to my hair.
I have to say that I’ve learned more about my body since I’ve been TTC baby #2 than I ever knew before. But if there’s one lesson that my body has taught me more often than any other, it’s that no matter what meds I take, no matter how perfectly I time BD … I essentially have no control over the biological functions of my body. Oddly enough, having John’s Autism diagnosed in early October has taught me a similar lesson; no matter how much I’d like to, there are just parts of this life (and the life of my son) that I just have no control over. Being somewhat of a “control freak,” this doesn’t sit well with me. It makes me downright freakin’ crazy!
What I can control is how I take care of myself. Because in the end, while I’m perfectly happy wearing jammies until the elastic waist band breaks down, I can’t do the things/be the person everyone in my life needs me to do/be if I’m not cared for on the inside. I decided that after picking up Bubby from school today, I was going to color my hair. (Technically, I was going to have my niece Mindy do it for me.) So we stopped by Sally’s on our way back to my Mother’s house, and while John napped Mindy and I went to work …
And the best part about today is that Matt knew NOTHING about this! (FYI, I was a blonde before today.) And while my hair is completely styled and looks AH-MAZING, the look won’t be completed until I put my make-up and clothes on tomorrow, so y’all can forget an “after” picture until tomorrow; I’m not taking a picture of myself in my jammies!
And just like magic, the weight of being “everything to everyone except myself” was lifted! It’s so strange to me how such a small thing like coloring your hair can make you feel so much better about yourself! And it totally took my mind off POAS until I sat down to write today’s blog!
*Speaking of “wearing clothing until they literally fall apart”, I had a terrible moment today. My Dr Marten’s (Docs) died today. They literally DIED! I had been wearing them for almost 7 years, and when I went to get in my car from dropping John off at school, I saw this:”