Howdy from the land of Texas, y’all!! (Seriously, I’m really not that cliché; it just came to me and I couldn’t resist!) Today for your viewing pleasure, I have both good and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear/read first? Unfortunately for you, you are reading this post after it was written, so you don’t get a vote! I suppose I shall start today’s blog post off with the bad news, since hearing the crappy side of things first always seems to make the not-so-crappy side of them even better!
The bad news (I guess it could also be considered good news in a way), is that AF still hasn’t shown up yet. Why is that bad news? Because I truly and 100% completely do not believe that I am pregnant. I have had way too many BFNs for me to be pregnant. And it’s not just that I’ve had dozens of BFNs, it’s that I’ve had them so late in my cycle. Hell, yesterday’s BFN at the doctor’s office was done the day AF was due, for crying out loud! Now we’ve all read those stories from women saying that they didn’t test positive until they were like 6-7 weeks pregnant (or more), and even then it was faint. Let’s just address this right here and now. Do I believe these women? Truthfully, I’m not sure. I’d like to, because it would give my stupid self a reason to keep the hope going that there may still be a chance. But taking HPT after HPT and never getting even the slightest hint of a positive result, only to see a baby wiggling about at 7+ weeks pregnant via u/s is almost too far fetched to even believe. Do I think it has happened? Yes I do. I do not believe however, that it happens nearly as often as the “Almighty Internet” would have us believe.
Having said all that, I have a good friend who was/is damn near convinced that this would be the cycle Matt and I got our BFP, and is still clinging to some shred of hope for me (even when I have none left for myself), until AF arrives. So for her viewing pleasure (and yours, of course), I picked up a box of FRER and POAS at around 4:45 this afternoon.
As you can plainly see, nothing but the horrible indent/antibody strip that these new FRERs are notorious for. I knew it would be a BFN, but I couldn’t help but feel the rush of excitement as the dye crossed the test strip! I simply have to be off on my O date; there’s no other explanation for why I would be late at all, if I am indeed not pregnant. I still have one test left since I bought a two pack. I plan to save it for the next cycle, since I’m almost certain AF will show tomorrow or the next day at the very latest. My boobies are almost completely back to their little (and I do mean little) selves, and I found another pimple on my face today. Oddly enough, I have had some strange, barely noticeable cramping way down low that almost feels like a light batch of O pains. Probably just the old hag knocking at the door. I haven’t checked my CM today, so it’s very likely that I’ve got some pink spotting going on that just hasn’t made it down far enough to be seen yet.
The good news today is that Matthew, Bubby, and I went and did something super fun this evening as a family! That may not seem like a giant accomplishment, but considering that Daddy usually doesn’t get home until 6:30 and then is literally in bed by 8:30, we don’t usually get much “family time” throughout the week. Well yesterday I got a text from John’s ABA therapist with information regarding an event taking place tonight. It was in invitation to take part in an Autism Parent Support Group at a retreat and wellness center that uses horses as a way to connect with their guests, about a half hour from our home. There would be childcare provided by teachers from the local school district (so we could have peace of mind that our children were being well cared for), and the parents would be participating in Equine Assisted Learning. The hope was that we, as parents of special needs children, would be able to focus solely on ourselves and our spouses, while spending therapeutic time with their horses.
* Just a quick side note – working with horses has been proven beneficial in a therapeutic sense on many different levels; one study even showed that the heart rate of the human began to slow and sync itself with the heart rate of the horse as the two connected over a period of time. If you’ve never spent any time with a horse, not just watching one (and that doesn’t necessarily mean you have to ride it), I thoroughly recommend it. I always leave feeling much calmer and centered than when I arrived. *
Each couple (or individual if they were unaccompanied) was asked to choose one horse to spend time with. We were offered brushes and equine toys to use in bonding with our horse, as well as leads to gently walk our new “friend” and were given roughly an hour to spend with them. Since Matt and I both genuinely love horses, this was a rare treat for us! Before we could choose a horse to “adopt” for the evening, a beautiful retired race horse named Jenski chose us! According to the trainers, Jenski is usually a very standoff-ish boy, but tonight he spent the entire time allowing us to stroke him, play with his mane, talk with him, and would nuzzle us if we stopped for too long! Since he was such a big boy, several times during our time with him he would lift his head up and rest it upon the top of mine; Bubby’s teacher Angela tried desperately to snap a picture of it, but just as she brought out her phone, he stopped … of course! We were able to get a couple good ones, however.
So what was it that Jenski taught me today? You’re gonna laugh, but this magnificent creature reminded me that I need to make time just for myself. With Matt’s Army career being so fast paced, TTC another baby, John’s therapies seeming to be never ending, trying desperately to help my mother, and trying to keep a decently clean house, the laundry kept up on, the dishes washed and my family fed, I scarcely have the time to wash my ass and brush my teeth!! So 9 times out of 10, things needing to be done for myself get either placed on the back burner or taken off the stove completely. Hells Bells – I’ve needed dental work for years that I haven’t ever gotten done! But tonight Jenski helped me to realize that without MY mental wellbeing intact, none of the things demanding my attention at all hours of the day and night would get taken care of to the best of my ability. I would still feel like putty stretched in a hundred different directions, ready to break at any moment; doing a half-assed job of practically everything. And to tell the truth, the two things I can not afford to do a half-assed job of, is raising John and being as proactive as I can in getting him the help he needs to not only catch up with his peers, but to excel in everything he puts his mind to.