It’s here. I have tried so hard to avoid it but once again, the madness has found me.
Bubby woke up bright and early again this morning at 4:40 – for the second day in a row.
Yesterday morning when he got up, while I was nearly a zombie with the fatigue, I was my usual “Mommy self.” This morning? Not so much. This morning I was pissed. One of the fabulous issues I deal with during my luteal phase is called Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD.) For people who’ve never heard of it or known someone who suffers with it – imagine PMS, all cracked out and on steroids. It’s essentially the same basic symptoms of PMS (fatigue, bloating, breast tenderness, mood swings, irritability, etc), but for people with PMDD these symptoms are way more intense, and very often interfere with their daily lives and relationships. For me, the irritability goes one step further, and turns into almost a rage that I feel as though I have little control over. That also is characteristic of PMDD. I try very, very hard not to allow my anger to spill over into my relationship with Bubby, but I have to admit – having a special needs kiddo who is very behind the power curve with communication does try my patience, even on the best of days.
All that being said, after the initial frustration I felt that for the second day in a row my child had woken up out of the blue at the butt crack of dawn, I was fine. I had some minor cramping immediately after checking my cervix that I found strange, but it didn’t last long and wasn’t extreme. I was a little more run down than usual, but nothing compared to yesterday. Thank God, because I had to get something done around the house today.
Around 9:30 am I called the Women’s Center and asked to speak to a nurse so that I could get my test results from my progesterone check the day before. When she got on the phone, I asked her to not only give me the results from the progesterone test, but also the results from the blood work I had done on the 31st. Now as far as progesterone goes, anything over 5 is indicative of O, and my levels usually run from 7-11. Still shows that I’ve been O-ing, but definitely not as strong of an O as they would like to see given that I’m on a medicated cycle. Yesterday’s test? My progesterone level was at a 25.2!!!
I was seriously on Cloud 9 when she said that! Of all the P4 checks I’ve ever had done, I’ve never had one so high! So not only did I O this month, but I O’d like a boss!! She then told me the results of the rest of the blood work. My prolactin was good, my estriodol levels were good, and she gave me two numbers that were both under the results for FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone.) One of them was 9.4 and the other was 14.3 – I had a hard time hearing her, so I’m not real sure what they were checking here. But considering that they were both listed under the results for FSH, my assumption is that those two separate results would be added together to get a total reading for FSH, right? Makes sense to me! (I had her put in a request to have the Dr call me so that I could be sure I was correct in that assumption, as she wasn’t a fertility nurse and wasn’t too sure.) The two levels added together came up to a FSH level of 23.7 but I wasn’t sure what they meant. So I started digging around on Dr Google (don’t judge, you know you do it too!) And that’s when my heart dropped.
According to every single page I found regarding levels of FSH in regards to fertility, levels above 20 were not only bad, but really bad. It basically means that my ovaries are failing. Levels above twenty are seen mostly in women entering menopause. If I’m correct in adding the two numbers together, that means that there’s a very good chance that not only is the quantity of my eggs going downhill, but more importantly – the quality of my eggs may be in the toilet as well.
So I figured, OK – what about IUI or IVF? Surely they have a way around this, right?
At my age and with my FSH levels (assuming I’m correct to add them), we have a less than 5% chance of having a successful IVF baby, not taking any other issues into account. So all in a span of about 20 minutes, I have felt amazingly joyful at finding out that I had an amazing O this cycle and utter despair at the knowledge that even if we did conceive, there’s a good chance that the quality of my eggs would probably not be good enough to even implant.
Add that to the BFN that I got today and what do you get?
A giant, confusing ball of emotions that don’t seem to add up to hardly any damn thing. Hence – the madness. What do you do when