I’m in a “Love/Hate” relationship with my body today. The weird thing is that I both love and hate it for close to the same reasons! Truthfully, I’m not 100% sure if it’s the female body that I believe to be the cause of my torn emotions, or if it’s simply my own mind processing the same things on two different levels. Will I ever know? Eh – probably not.
I woke up this morning with sore boobs. I would assume that most women would be flustered to find that their “girls” were tender, but not me – I’m probably one of the only women on the face of the planet who sees it as a reason to celebrate. Remember all that progesterone I was rambling on about yesterday and the way that it toys with your guts? Well, it’s also responsible for the soreness (and if you’re lucky, swelling too) that comes along after O. Truth be told, progesterone is behind practically every early pregnancy/PMS symptom you’ve ever had or ever even heard of. I get excited about sore boobies not because I’m a sadist who gets off on experiencing painful sensations; for me the excitement stems from reassurance that my body did indeed O this month!
Also featured on today’s symptom menu is the on/off presence of very light, dull cramps. I haven’t been able to pinpoint the origin of the them, as they seem to be ping-ponging back and forth between the right and left sides. No spotting or anything, just every now and then I’ll notice a faint crampy feeling. Nowhere nearly as painful as my O pains this month, and the O pains last month were awful.
As far as symptom spotting goes, that’s about it. There were a couple other insignificant things that I noticed, but nothing I could nail down for sure as being TTC related. I had a moderate headache early this afternoon, and my left SI Joint (Sacroilliac Joint – the joint that connects your vertebrae to your pelvis) – was giving my fits all day long, both of which improved drastically once the rain started. Apparently, we had a huge storm blowing our direction pretty much all dang day long, but since I was too dumb to check the 10 day forecast when I looked at Weatherbug earlier, it caught me by surprise.
The hardest part of today was getting news I wasn’t prepared for. A friend of mine (we’ll call her friend #1) found out this afternoon that she’s pregnant. Again. She’s pregnant again. The two of us were pregnant along with two other women (friends #2 and #3); we all had our babies within a month of each other, and we’ve stayed very close friends ever since. It’s been wonderful! I began TTC before anyone else, simply because Matt and I were TTC for so long before we conceived John. A few month’s after we began TTC, friend #1 found out that her Mirena IUD had fallen out and she was expecting. I was a bit sad, but more excited for her than anything. A few short weeks later and she sadly miscarried, needing a D&C. My heart broke in two for her that day. Fast forward until just about 2.5 months ago, and friend #2 finds out she’s expecting and due in March 2016 – she literally BD one time without protection and 10 days later gets a blazing BFP! Having had a long time to adjust, I was perfectly fine and insanely happy for my friend! Last month, friend #1 thought she may yet again be preggers. But alas, AF showed her face. She decided that since the timing for another baby would be dreadful at best, condoms and a script for the pill would be the way to go until she was closer to being finished with school. Mind you, this is almost two years since the hubster and I began TTC baby #2, even though there was a 9 month hiatus while he was deployed to Korea. Then today I was walking through Walmart when friend #3 calls me to ask if I’d seen the news; we all have a group chat through a free text/call app on our phones. When I replied that I hadn’t, she proceeded to drop a bombshell on me: friend #1 just got a blazing BFP. I looked on my phone, and there it was – bigger than shit. She asked me if I was OK, given that we’ve been TTC for so long and trying everything to get pregnant, when here was friend #1, trying everything not to get pregnant, and she’s been knocked up now twice just since we all gave birth. My reply was simple:
It’s at moments like these where I’m reminded of just how amazing the human soul is. On one hand, my little heart is crushed. Yet on the other hand, I am profoundly happy for my friend!
As a young girl, I didn’t really understand what people meant when they said that they were happy and sad at the same time. How is that possible? But ya know what? It is. The human mind and soul is perfectly capable of experiencing both sadness and elation at the same exact moment. My friend and I have grown much closer over the last few weeks; how could I be anything but brimming with joy for the fact that she will be bringing a brand spanking new life into this world?!
And in the midst of this joy I feel in my heart for my friend and her significant other, I can not help but wonder what I’m doing wrong. Why is it so simple for others (and not just my friends, mind you) to bring a new soul into this world, but not for me? Don’t misunderstand me, I simply cherish my son. Motherhood is a luxury that so many other women never get to experience. But what is it about ME? Why is it that I am surrounded by pregnant women just when I am right in the middle of TTC? Is it that I am just more aware? It doesn’t feel that way. I feels as if my body is laughing at me. So many women are blessed with beautiful babies that don’t want them; even more mistreat these precious gifts once they have them. And then there’s me, and the millions of other women who struggle with infertility. Wanna know how I really feel?