Before I get too in depth with any posting, I have to forewarn you that this cycle will vary from the last one a great deal. Not because I’ve switched up meds, seen a new specialist, or found some exciting new TTC related product on the Internet and I’ve decided to give it a go. This cycle will be super different, but not because of any outside force affecting the outcome, but rather from an internal one.
Before I became a “kept woman,” I was a “work my fingers to the bone” type of gal. I was a manager for several different restaurants over the course of the years I was in the workforce. Managed my own restaurant; even did a short stint in the Army for a time. When you’ve done the same repetitive work for an extended length of time, you reach what I’ve always heard termed as Burnout. I’ve experienced this phenomenon many times during my professional, and later on, my educational career. For a younger, less experienced individual, the concept of “reaching Burnout” may be a bit hard to fathom; someone a tad more seasoned knows exactly what I’m talking about. To describe it to someone who’s never experienced it, I suppose I’d have to say that in short … Burnout sucks.
Like, major suckage.
Imagine a star. During its infancy, it burns hot and brighter than any other duration of time in its life. After it has reached adulthood, it burns consistently; not quite as bright as before, but it is more stable and less fragile. As its days draw to a close, it burns a little cooler each day, until it essentially just burns itself completely out. The fire has completely left it and it radiates no longer.
My mother always called it
This is exactly how I am feeling. Reaching Burnout happens to every human being performing the same ritualistic routine over and over – it’s simply a matter of how long it takes you to get there. And you’ll know when you’re there. Just the idea of performing that specific task just repulses you. If it’s work, the thought of walking in the doors of your office makes you literally ill; I’ve even had it bring on a full blown panic attack out of nowhere.
That my friends, is
I have reached Burnout with TTC. I have been hard core whacking away at it now, for 13 months; well, every consecutive cycle Matt’s been home from Korea anyway. When I first started I was like that little star, charting my BBT every single day, BD-ing like crazy, peeing on anything not nailed down to the bathroom floor. And month after month, my fire for it burned a little less brightly. There were a few months where I would rekindle it a bit, but still NADA. I’ve known this was coming for about 2 months, but I was able to withstand the tide for the last cycle … but the dam has broken, I’m afraid.
That all being said, I am not forgoing TTC completely. I have taken my Femara the last 2 days, but I think I will not refill my script to finish out the 5 day regimen. I might finish out the last 3 days with some Soy Isoflavones that I have lying around the house, but I might not. I have no intentions of buying any OPKs to check for my LH surge; I generally have been O-ing on CD 12 while on the Femara so I’ll just time BD around that I suppose. After talking with the Dr the other day, I found out that there’s a good chance that I am not alone in my infertility; the hubster has low semenal volume, so that may be a deciding factor. But who knows when/if he’ll repeat the analysis, so I don’t know what good that knowledge will do me.
I simply have NO desire to TTC this cycle. None. So I think I won’t stress over it at all. If we catch any eggs I might release – yay. All the better! If not – it won’t be different than any other cycle since we started TTC again in January of 2014. I know this all sounds so negative, but I assure you that it’s not meant in a negative way. I just don’t have it in me to TTC this cycle.
I had blood drawn yesterday to check all my hormone levels, and I go in on the 30th of September for a pelvic u/s to see what my ovaries and other girlie parts are looking like. Hopefully by the time AF shows again I’ll be in better spirits and ready to go again. Better yet: hopefully she won’t show at all, and we’ll find a baby in there when I go for my u/s!