To understand where you are going, you must first remind yourself of where you’ve been. The same can be said of me; to understand my current journey, I reckon I should give you at least a bit of info regarding my previous journeys.
My husband of 5 years and are currently trying to conceive (TTC) our second child. We were TTC our beautiful son John for a little over 5 years before we were successful. I was diagnosed in 2007 with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and had even TTC in previous relationships – nothing. Nada. Not so much as a shadow of a positive test. I had tried Clomid previously with no results, even when blood work showed that I had indeed ovulated. Since our marriage in November of 2010, Matthew and I had essentially been not trying, not preventing (NTNP) pregnancy. I used ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) every now and again, not ever once getting a positive. We had talked about the possibility that it may not be in God’s plan for us to have a child, and after 2 years of NTNP, although we (mostly I) desperately wanted a baby, we had finally reached a point in our lives where we were really OK with not having one. Matt saw something on the Internet that mentioned Clomid as the base line fertility “go-to” drug. He mentioned to me that he’d like to give it a go if I was OK with the idea. I reluctantly agreed. I ordered a 6 month supply of Clomid from the Internet (I would never recommend this to others.) Since my last round of Clomid, my GYN had placed me on Metformin, which regulated my periods. The month the Clomid came in the mail (took so damn long I was afraid I’d been scammed!) was December 2012. I took 50 mg of Clomid on cycle day (CD) 2-6 along with 1000 mg of Metformin daily. That month was insanely busy and believe it or not, I had completely forgotten that I even took the Clomid at all. Long story short, my period (AF) was due on Christmas Eve. She didn’t show, and before I enjoyed some wine during the festivities, I decided to pee on a stick (POAS) – stark white negative. I couldn’t see a line in the first few minutes, so disgusted, I threw it out. My mother had come to spend the holidays with us and having Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), I had to take her to the hospital on Christmas Day where she was admitted. So I spent the next few days wrangling the 3 feet of snow we’d gotten, and spending as much time with Mom as possible. It wasn’t until the 27th of December, when I became so angry with Matthew over something stupid that I seriously began to think about gouging out his eyeballs with a shrimp fork – that I realized that AF had never showed. I walked in the bathroom and figured, “What the hell; I’ve peed on a thousand dollars worth of tests for nothing over the years – what’s one more wasted test?” I was so angry still that I didn’t bother to count how long I left the First Response Early Result (FRER) in the urine stream; I just emptied my whole bladder on that poor pee stick! Lo and behold, as I was putting the cap back on the test it turned positive. Like, REALLY positive.
I remember pulling the test right up to my eyeball (as if I could really imagine that set of TWO bright pink lines, right?) and saying out loud, “No. Way.” And of course, because I had already fully emptied my bladder on this unsuspecting FRER, there was nothing left to dip the other test into that came in the box. I ran up to Matt, burst in the room and showed him the test. He’d been sleeping. His response was a sleepy, “OK. I want to get a blood test to be sure.” And then he fell back to sleep. WHAT?! How could a blood test be more positive?! So we went the next day and sure enough, the blazing positive I had the day before was also a blazing positive at the doctor’s office. Jeez, ya think?? 9 months later I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy!
It’s been the hardest and yet, the most rewarding job I’ve ever had. And I can’t WAIT to do it again!
Things have not gone as easily this go ’round. We’ve been TTC now for a solid year, and no baby as of yet. Every single month I deal with the hormones, the ups, the downs, highs and lows, and everything in between. I used to believe that I was alone, riding this Crazy Baby Train all by myself; everyone else had such an easy time getting pregnant, right? Throughout my research, countless hours spent pouring over TTC websites and forums, I have learned that I am indeed not alone in this journey. Many other women struggle month after month to achieve their life’s dream of motherhood. Since having John, I am now able to see both sides of the coin – the glorious victory of motherhood as well as the unfair, cruel, and disheveling defeat of infertility. It is because of my unique viewpoint that I have decided to share my journey with other women who may/may not be in my shoes. The only thing that hurts worse than wanting a child desperately and seemingly unable to produce one, while so many others are granted precious children who are unloved/unwanted – is believing that you are alone in your journey. You are not alone in your TTC journey into madness; come and join me in mine!
This blog is very lovingly dedicated to my good friend Jenny. We conceived within weeks of one another in 2012 but tragically, her pregnancy was cut short while mine continued. She has been on the TTC “Crazy Train” ever since and was diagnosed with “Unexplained Infertility.” She has been a joy and an inspiration to me since the first day we met in Basic Combat Training at Fort Jackson, SC in 2005. You are a very beautifully strong lady; love you, girl!